For much of my life, I have struggled with this question. Do I want to blend in with the crowd, or do I want to stand out? If I am blending in, is it because I am nothing special? Or is it because I am "normal," just another face in the crowd? Is it a place of security for my insecure self? For much of my life, I was afraid to stand out, because I felt that I would stand out for the wrong reasons; not being accepted by my peers, for being weird, or for doing something embarassingly wrong. Being a first-born child, and a perfectionist, I have struggled with the fear of failure, and I continue to struggle with those fears today as an adult.
As a dancer growing up, I found that I had a natural ability for dance, and I absolutely loved it! I loved the way dancing made me feel, and I loved the response (approval) from the audience, especially after performing a piece that my fellow dancers and I were sure would be a hit! Isn't it ironic that someone who loves performing on stage, is also intimidated and terrified of what people think of her? In order to succeed in performance (in other words, if you wanted to actually work) it was absolutely necessary to stand out! (Unless of course you were dancing in the chorus...then there's no room for divas!) ;) Dance, and performing in general, helped me to overcome some of those insecurities I had, and gave me the confidence to take risks. I would say I am far less fearful of taking a chance that might cause me to stand out rather than blend in. I have learned to overcome the anxieties of being in front of a crowd. Funny, I can be a complete idiot in a Dolly Parton costume on stage in front of hundreds, but shy and nervous when it comes to interacting with a new friend. How odd...
I am learning that God is calling me to stand out in a way that I never would have been comfortable with even 10 years ago, and I am now willing to risk facing my fear of looking "different" in order to walk in obedience with Him. I am now chosing to walk the road less travelled, and I am striving to "live my life worthy of the calling to which I have been called."
What is that calling?
This is a question that so many of us wrestle with. I've debated over whether I was "hearing" Him correctly. I've asked for numerous "signs" that I was really understanding what He was saying. I've politely disagreed with what I felt was His call on my life. And, I've screamed out in a fit of tears, pleading with God at times to let me have my own way. Now that I'm a mom, I have a small taste of how exhausting it must be for God to have us debate with Him about whether or not He knows better than I do. I am now adopting Simon's attitude of, "...but, because you say so, Lord." It doesn't make sense to me, but because you say so, I am willing. Let's just say, that God is asking me to abandon all that I have known as a comfort, joy or stability in my life, and trust in His provision with everything I have. Yes, the art of losing myself...
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